And it was a good thing.

My husband and I got into an argument the other night.

The hows, whats, and whys don’t matter so much. What stood out to me about twenty minutes later when I was stewing on the couch, rage-eating peanut butter like the feral woman I am, and watching Parks and Rec for the millionth time (it’s one of my “comfort shows”), was that we had broken one of the cardinal rules of a good marriage/relationship (something Leslie Knope would certainly frown upon):

Never go to bed angry.

This advice had been drilled into me long before I met my husband, and it’s likely advice that’s been given to many of you. I’m sure if I took out all the notes and well wishes we received at our reception six years ago, at least a dozen of them would be some variant of this ancient lesson. I say “ancient” because I believe its origins come from The New Testament:

“In your anger do not sin, do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the Devil.” Ephesians 4:26–27

Following those words of wisdom, many will also throw in the threat of guilt and regret; Never go to bed angry because you don’t know what tomorrow will bring. You’d never forgive yourself if something terrible happened and you weren’t on good terms with each other.

Initially, these things made sense, and they seemed to be a staple for all the long-lasting relationships around us. So we adopted it as our own rule and stuck to it. Until last night, when in the middle of our raised voices and passive-aggressive tones, my husband got into bed, pulled the blankets around him, turned his back to me, and said “I’m tired, I have to work in the morning, I’m not doing this.”

I gave him some angry form of “fine” and removed myself from our bedroom to cool off, accepting that we were in fact going to bed angry. And you know what? It was actually a good decision. By then, we were so stuck in our anger and annoyance with each other that nothing was getting accomplished except a lot of wasted time and circular conversation. The more we talked/yelled/bickered, the more tense and burnt out we both felt.

Yes, there’s something to be said for resolving your conflicts before your head hits the pillow, but there’s also something to be said for sleeping on it. It allows you to put some space between you and the noise, to recharge into something a bit healthier, and it gives you an opportunity to see the conflict with fresh eyes and a clear perspective.

In his book, The Way of Zen, Alan Watts states:

“As muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone, it could be argued that those who sit quietly and do nothing are making one of the best possible contributions to a world in turmoil.”

In this case, the “world in turmoil” was the dynamic between me and my husband, and the “muddy waters” were expressed in misunderstanding, defensiveness, and growing hostility. In telling me he was no longer engaging in this verbal conflict, my husband was essentially saying “let’s let these waters settle down a bit”.

He fell asleep soon after, and I took some time away from him to decompress and deflate. As I did, my own waters started to settle. While I was still unhappy with how the evening had unfolded, it did give me a chance to re-evaluate myself and my contributions to what had occurred. I saw where I screwed up, and saw the pieces I had to own. By then (I had watched two episodes of Parks and Rec at this point), I felt much calmer and was able to get into bed next to him and fell asleep quickly and peacefully.

In the morning, I woke up without the emotional hangover that long bouts of late-night arguing bring. Soon enough my husband was blinking himself out of sleep, rolled over to face me, and asked, “Do you want to talk about last night?”
“I do,” I said.

And we did, calmly. Explanations were given, apologies were offered, and then the bed was made and breakfast was on the table.
No harm, no foul.

I know this morning would have looked a lot different if we had forced ourselves to keep hashing it out the night before. We would have been emotionally drained, with lingering resentments from having pushed ourselves past our limits.

We went to bed angry and it worked out fine. It made me realize it’s more important to resolve conflicts from a place of peace and respect, even if it means waiting a day or night to do so. Don’t get me wrong, if you can work out your issues before the end of the day you should. But sometimes you also need to acknowledge that if you’re running on empty, the resolution of now isn’t going to get you anywhere good, and it’s really ok to leave the mess and clean it up later after some time has passed.

You might even find that the mess isn’t as big as you thought it was.

Here’s to sleeping it off.